


The Avengers Group Chat

by Buskuta



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Domestic Avengers, F/M, Infinity War never happens, M/M, Some Plot, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, eventually, it starts during the end of ragnarok, kind of, like the guardians, loki is good in this story, more characters will come, relationships will develop over time
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2019-06-29 23:08:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15739179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buskuta/pseuds/Buskuta
Summary: Nearly one month after the events of Civil War, Tony Stark tries to reunite The Avengers in probably the worst way possible: opening up an old group chat. It's surprising how effective it is.





	1. LANGUAGE

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! I've been thinking about doing an Avengers fanfic for quite some time, and I finally decided to write it down. You'll probably be able to tell pretty quick that a lot of the characters are OOC, but it is how it is. I wanted to make something light hearted but still have kind of a storyline, and ended up with this. Well. Here you go.

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**tonyfuckingstark:** Hello, everyone

**Clint:** why did you use a capital letter AND a comma but threw the period away wtf

**tonyfuckingstark:** Because if I added a period at the end it would have been slightly ominous

**Clint:** alright whatever

**Sam:** Stark what are you doing texting in a group chat that hasn’t been used in months 

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m breaking the metaphorical ice, as the kiddos call it

****

**Clint:** im pretty sure that kiddos do not call it that 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** How do you know that, Clint? Hm? Do you have kids? 

****

**Clint:** …well, no 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** That’s exactly what I thought you toilet snake 

****

**Clint:** WHAT THE FUCK MAN 

****

**Natasha:** I think the more important question is why Tony’s name is ‘tonyfuckingstark’, but ours are just our first names. 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** Because I’m Tony fucking Stark 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** Also I’m the one and only administrator of this group chat so I’m the only one who can change names 

****

**Clint:** dude wtf 

****

**Natasha:** Your username is too long. 

****

**Clint:** that’s not the only thing that’s long if y’know what I mean 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** Shut it, toilet snake 

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**Clint:** RUDE 

****

**Sam:** Can we change our usernames man 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** No 

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**Sam:** Why the fuck not? 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** Because it’ll get confusing with who is who. It’s easier this way 

****

**Natasha:** Where is Steve, Rhodey, and Bruce? 

****

**Steve:** I’m here 

****

**Steve:** I was reading the messages 

****

**Steve:** Sorry 

****

**Steve:** And I think by metaphorical ice Tony means that he’s trying to make things less awkward after Germany

****

**Natasha:** Tony, is that true? 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** Well you know, the compound’s been pretty quiet without all of you guys yapping around, so I thought I’d try to talk to you guys again. And what better way than by opening up a group chat with seven months worth of dust on it, right? 

****

**Natasha:** Do you want us to move back in, Tony? 

****

**Clint:** im gonna need some more ice to break 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** I have just the thing for more icebreaking. 

****

**Clint:** wait 

****

**Clint:** what are you going to do 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m adding someone who is the master at breaking ice. 

****

**Rhodey:** If you’re adding who I think you’re adding, you better not be adding them. 

****

**Clint:** well LOOK WHO DECIDED TO SHOW UP 

****

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m adding them 

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**Rhodey:** DON’T DO IT TONY 

****

_tonyfuckingstark has added **Spider-Man** to the chat_

****

**Spider-Man:** hey everyone 

****

**Sam:** Wait, aren’t you the one who tied my hands with that stuff? 

****

**Steve:** And the one who took my shield? 

****

**Spider-Man:** its actually called webbing, but yes and yes 

****

**Spider-Man:** sorry about that btw 

****

**Spider-Man:** but it was rlly cool to meet y’all 

****

**Spider-Man:** even if i was fighting some of you 

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**Rhodey:** Oh my fucking god. 

****

**Steve:** LANGUAGE 

****

**Natasha:** Wait, why is your username Spider-Man? Is that actually the username you use on this app? 

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**Spider-Man:** no, mr stark made me change it before i joined this group chat 

****

**Rhodey:** Oh my fucking god. 

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**Spider-Man:** she fuckin dead 

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**Rhodey:** What? 

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**Steve:** LANGUAGE 

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**Spider-Man:** sorry i had to lol 

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**Natasha:** Well, the name “Spider-Man” doesn’t really break the ice, Tony. 

****

**Spider-Man:** oh yeah mr stark said something abt breaking ice. hold on ill change it 

****

_**Spider-Man** has changed their username to: **underoos**_

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**Clint:** BITCH WHAT THE FUCK 

****

**Steve:** Oh my gosh, LANGUAGE 

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**Clint:** how did you change your username??? 

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**underoos:** oh yeah mr stark made me an admin lmao 

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**Clint:** what the FUCK 

****

**Clint:** who ARE YOU 

****

**Steve:** LANGUAGE

****


	2. Toilet Snake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Half of the people in the chat are awake at an ungodly hour. Clint & Nat are being shady, Spider-Man is still awake much to Tony's dismay, and Clint makes a terrifying mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Thank you so much for all the support chapter one got, I really appreciate it! Also, this chapter has 666 words, and that was completely unintentional even though it takes place at a very unholy hour. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** so

 **Clint:** spider-man

 **Clint:** kid

 **Natasha:** Do you really think this kid is going to be awake at three in the morning?

 **underoos:** yo

 **Clint:** LMAO

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Hey, why are you still awake? It’s three in the fucking morning

 **Clint:** well see nat and i have to go and perform our satanic rituals at this hour so

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Not you, you toilet snake

 **Clint:** WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

 **Steve:** Hey, LANGUAGE!

 **Clint:** this is english

 **Steve:** Oh my god.

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I’m talking to the kid! Why the hell are you still awake? Don’t you have somewhere to be tomorrow?

 **underoos:** sorry mr stark i was patrolling

 **underoos:** evil never sleeps, yknow

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Evil doesn’t sleep but old ladies who need help crossing the street do. Get to bed

 **Clint:** DAMN TONY ISNT TAKING ANYONES SHIT TONIGHT

 **Natasha:** It’s actually morning.

 **Steve:** Clint, watch your language.

 **Clint:** wow oKAY LANGUAGE POLICE

 **Natasha:** Steve is right, you know.

 **Clint:** wow oKAY MOM

 **underoos:** omg

 **Natasha:** What did you just call me?

 **Clint:** SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHTHTI

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I’d say you have about two minutes to get the hell out of wherever you are before Natasha comes to kill you

 **Natasha:** I’m already here.

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Wait, really?

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Clint I’ll handle your funeral expenses don’t worry

 **Clint:** I TOLD YOU!!! WE WERE PERFORMING SATANIC RITUALS

 **Natasha:** I WILL THROW YOU INTO THIS FIRE

 **underoos:** wait wHAT

 **underoos:** YOU GUYS ARE ACTUALLY DOING SATANIC SHIT???

 **Steve:** Language, kid.

 **underoos:** sorry mr rogers

 **Natasha:** No. He has the fireplace alight.

 **underoos:** at three in the morning??

 **Steve:** What were you doing at his place, anyways?

 **Natasha:** I came for a visit. Clint and I are friends, contrary to popular belief.

 **underoos:** this is shady yall

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Will everyone just go to sleep before I boil someone’s teeth

 **Clint:** hey so why arent wanda and vision in this chat

 **Clint:** no wait better question WHERE ARE THEY

 **Natasha:** They’re fine.

 **Clint:** how do u know??

 **Clint:** oh wait nvm i forgot who i was talking to

 **tonyfuckingstark:** DID YOU IGNORE WHAT I SAID???

 **Clint:** yes

 **tonyfuckingstark:** GO! TO! SLEEP!

 **Clint:** no

 **Clint:** hey kid???

 **underoos:** ye

 **Clint:** so since youre an admin, can you, like, change our names?

 **underoos:** uhh i dunno about that mr stark told me not to

 **Clint:** please

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Don’t do it kid

 **underoos:** sorry mr barton no can do

 **Clint:** gee dang it

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Go to sleep kid will you? I cant sleep with my phone going off every second

 **underoos:** sorry mr stark

 **Natasha:** I’m willing to bet that Tony isn’t even trying to sleep, and instead he’s working in his lab.

 **tonyfuckingstark:** You know me so well

 **Clint:** where’d steve go???

 **tonyfuckingstark:** To sleep. Like a sane human being

 **Clint:** Steve is looking at sane in the rearview mirror but he probably did go to sleep lmao

 **underoos:** i wish i could make good life choices like mr rogers does

 **Clint:** oh my god

 **Clint:** me too

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I thought I told you to go to sleep, kid?

 **underoos:** yeah um about that

 **underoos:** im actually,,, doing something

 **Clint:** are you doing something or someone?

 **Natasha:** Clint!

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Underoos is NOT doing someone

 **underoos:** im doing homework

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Are you shitting me right now?

 **underoos:** IM SORRY MR STARK

 **underoos:** ITS DUE TOMORROW I HAVE TO

 **Clint:** How old ARE you???

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I’m afraid that’s classified information, toilet snake

 **Clint:** WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME TOILET SNAKE

 **Clint:** ITS NOT FUNNY

 **Natasha:** Actually…

 **Clint:** GOD FUCKING DAMN IT

 **Steve:** LANGUAGE

 **Clint:** YOU KNOW WHAT STEVE NO I TRIED TO BE A CHILD OF JESUS BUT WE ALL KNOW I HAVE A FIRST CLASS TICKET TO HELL SO THERES NO POINT IN ME TRYING AND YOU KNOW WHAT IM NOT EVEN SORRY

 **underoos:** OH MY GOD SKDJSKFJKDJS

 **underoos:** SAME MR BARTON

 **Clint:** call me clint kid. “mr” is for people with long sticks up their asses like tony

 **Natasha:** Dear god.

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I may have a stick up my ass but it’s a golden stick with insurance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! I'll try to update soon!


	3. The Gigantic Robot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confessions are made, lies are told, and progress is made with rebuilding the broken team.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! As I said in chapter two, thank you so much for the support this story has gotten! I appreciate it so much, I really do. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**underoos:** YALL THAT WAS SO WILD LMAO

**Clint:** uh

**Clint:** did i miss something??

**Sam:** Did you actually NOT see that gigantic robot stomping around in NYC?

**Natasha:** There was a gigantic robot in NYC?

**tonyfuckingstark:** There was, and we took care of it. No thanks to you and Clint.

**tonyfuckingstark:** I know you guys are both in New York, so where the hell were you today?

**Natasha:** Well, you clearly didn’t need our help anyhow. And I was sparring with Clint.

**Sam:** You were sparring with Clint?

**Natasha:** Yes. I kicked his ass.

**underoos:** YAS QUEEN

**underoos:** anyways

**underoos:** the robot wasnt the wild part

**underoos:** i think that says a lot about north america but anyways

**underoos:** so mr stark, mr rhodes and i get there to deal with it and

**underoos:** Captain America is ALREADY THERE W MR WILSON

**underoos:** AND MR STARK AND MR ROGERS JUST KINDA STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR LIKE THREE SECONDS BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY CONTINUE

**underoos:** IT WAS SO FUNNY BECAUSE THEY DIDNT KNOW THE OTHER ONE WAS GONNA BE THERE

**Steve:** I’m not sure how that was wild. Everyone probably knew I would show up.

**underoos:** that’s dedication. you must have flown really fast to get here before mr stark

**Steve:** What do you mean? Where did you think I was?

**underoos:** ??? mr stark told me you were hiding out in wakanda after germany

**Clint:** lmaooo

**Steve:** TONY

**tonyfuckingstark:** Yes, my dear?

**Steve:** WHY DID YOU TELL YOUR KID I WAS HIDING LIKE A FREAKING REGUGE IN WAKANDA?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Because I had no fucking clue where in the nine fucking realms you were.

**Steve:** Do you really think T’Challa would have let me stay there after I helped Bucky?

**tonyfuckingstark:** I DON’T KNOW STEVE, BRUCE CALLED ME THE OTHER DAY SAYING HE WAS IN SPACE WITH A FUCKING WIZARD SO I FIGURED THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE AT THIS POINT.

**Sam:** Wait, in space?? With a wizard???

**Clint:** what the fuck lmao

**Steve:** I’m not having this argument on a group chat.

**underoos:** wait, you guys know mr t’challa?

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s a long story. He fought with us in Germany.

**underoos:** yeah i know. i remember him. im friends w his sister

**Clint:** …what

**Natasha:** T’Challa has a sister?

**underoos:** ye, her name’s shuri. shes pre chill

**underoos:** we send each other vines lmao

**tonyfuckingstark:** I have no fucking clue what a vine is, so I’m going to ignore that part. But you message T’Challa’s sister?

**underoos:** yeah. we’re pretty tight lol

**Natasha:** How did you get her number?

**Clint:** what the actual fuck is going on

**Clint:** wait, are you guys the same age?

**tonyfuckingstark:** That’s a trick question, don’t answer it

**underoos:** hey can i add shuri in here?

**Clint:** i think the fuck not

**underoos:** o o f

**underoos:** why?

**Clint:** if u tell me how old you are then you can add shuri

**underoos:** ....nvm then

**tonyfuckingstark:** Hey, so to celebrate a day and a half of ice breaking, what do you guys say in coming down to the compound for evening drinks? The bar is full and calling all of your names

**tonyfuckingstark:** Except for the kid. There’s a can of soda calling for the kid

**Clint:** oh my GOD

**Clint:** did tony stark just invite us from what little kindness is left in his cold, black heart?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Don’t make me take it back, toilet snake

**Clint:** hmm. whatd ya say, nat?

**Natasha:** Sure, why not. We’ll be there soon.

**underoos:** swingin’ over there now

**Sam:** I’m dragging Steve’s ass down there as we speak

**tonyfuckingstark:** Great. See you all soon

**Natasha:** Wait. How will Spider-Man have drinks if he can’t take off his mask?

**underoos:** uh

**underoos:** o

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not very happy with this chapter, but I hope the next one is a little better at least. I'll try to update as soon as possible! :)


	4. A Secret Exposed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret is exposed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I'm sorry for such a late update, today was pretty busy. As I've said before, thank you so much for all the feedback on the previous chapter! It means so much to me. I hope you guys enjoy this new chapter, and I'll try to update as soon as possible!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**underoos:** well that was a fun two hours but i really gotta skrrt skrrt now so bye yall, wherever you went after your respective third drinks

**Steve:** What does “skrrt skrrt” mean?

**underoos:** i gotta hurry up and go

**Steve:** Oh.

**underoos:** ye. anyways bye yall

**underoos:** umm

**underoos** : uMMMM

**tonyfuckingstark:** What is it?

**underoos:** SHGFDSFGHJHGFDS

**Rhodey:** SPIT IT OUT

**underoos:** I JUST WALKED IN ON MS NATASHA AND CLINT I GOTTA GO JFSKGJS

**Sam:** WHAT THE FUUUUCKKKKK

**Steve:** What were they doing??

**tonyfuckingstark:** ARE YOU REALLY THAT FUCKING DENSE ROGERS

**tonyfuckingstark:** THEY WERE HAVING SEX

**underoos:** actually no

**underoos:** they were fully clothed

**underoos:** but it was an intense makeout session anyways im not sticking around for this BYE

**Sam:** JGHJSKFHJSHFJKS

**tonyfuckingstark:** WHO KNEW NAT WOULD FALL FOR THE TOILET SNAKE

**Steve:** Don’t let her hear you say that.

**tonyfuckingstark:** I won’t lmao this is great

**Rhodey:** Why the fuck would they be doing that in THE COMPOUND

**tonyfuckingstark:** Well

**tonyfuckingstark:** They’re probably drunk off their asses

**Rhodey:** At like 9PM???? Really??

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s been a long fucking day

**Rhodey:** You're not wrong

**tonyfuckingstark:** When am I ever wrong

**tonyfuckingstark:** Hold on I gotta go take pictures so I can use this as blackmail in the future

**Rhodey:** TONY NO

**Natasha:** TOO LATE YOU FUCKTARDS

**Sam:** OH SHIT

**Natasha:** WE ARE FUCKING SOBER AND READY TO FUCKING KILL

**Clint:** id run if i were you tony

**tonyfuckingstark:** IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE CAUGHT YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN SUCKING EACH OTHER LIKE LEECHES IN MY BUILDING

**Natasha:** WELL IF YOU WANT US TO MOVE BACK IN THEN YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT

**Rhodey:** Oh my goddd

**underoos:** ms natasha is ready to kill kill kill you better run mr stark

**Natasha:** YOU SHOULD RUN TOO, YOU SNITCH

**Natasha:** THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU

**underoos:** AAAAHFKDJHFDFHJD

**tonyfuckingstark:** Sorry to interrupt your MASS MURDER, but how long has this… thing been going on?

**Clint:** we dont want to talk about it

**Natasha:** Several weeks.

**Clint:** nvm we’re talking about it

**Steve:** Wow…

**tonyfuckingstark:** Why didn’t you tell any of us?

**Natasha:** Well, things haven’t exactly been peachy with all of us, and Clint and I wanted to make sure that this was serious before we let anyone know.

**Steve:** And is it serious?

**Clint:** yes

**Natasha:** Yes.

**Natasha:** But I’m still going to kill all of you.

**underoos:** fuck

**Steve:** LANGUAGE!

**underoos:** IM SORRY

**tonyfuckingstar:** Uh, Natasha, are you and Clint still at the compound?

**Natasha:** No. We left as soon as we realized that you guys found out.

**underoos:** as soon as the tea was spilled?

**Natasha:** What?

**underoos:** oh nvm

**Sam:** I’m sorry I’m still shocked at the fact that Clint and Natasha are a thing

**tonyfuckingstark:** I mean, when you think about it, it makes sense

**Sam:** Explain, o’ great one

**tonyfuckingstark:** I will, o’ puny one

**tonyfuckingstark:** You see, Natasha was visiting Clint the other day at wherever the fuck he was. And by visiting Clint I mean that they were fucking like energizer bunnies at three in the morning. So really they weren’t that far off from their “satanic rituals”. It was unholy and nasty as shit

**tonyfuckingstark:** And when Natasha was sparring with Clint? And “kicked his ass?” Yeah they were probably having sex again somewhere but I'm not surprised at this point

**Sam:** OH MY GOD SJFKSHFS

**underoos:** disappointed but not surprised

**tonyfuckingstark:** Exactly

**Sam:** NO CHILL TONY

**Natasha:** I'M GOING TO KILL YOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'll try to update soon!


	5. Thor Returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor Returns, and Tony makes a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Thank you so much for all the feedback, I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**tonyfuckingstark:** Hey guys so the weirdest shit just happened

**tonyfuckingstark:** THOR shows up, in all his godly glory and hammer of hell in his god-ass hand, and says that he’s returned to continue his role as an avenger

**tonyfuckingstark:** But the avengers are no more thanks to a government that has major separation issues and our dumb asses so…

**tonyfuckingstark:** Who’s going to tell him?

**Natasha:** Are you not going to question where he’s been for the past, I don’t know, three months?

**tonyfuckingstark:** He said something about being in space with some wizard so I shut him down real quick

**Natasha:** Didn’t Bruce tell you the same thing?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Huh… funny

**tonyfuckingstark:** Well anyways, I told him that half the avengers are still considered war criminals and are currently hiding in a foreign country while the rest of us are dancing around each other like fucking chimpanzees doing a mating ritual gone wrong

**Clint:** but we’re not counted as war criminals anymore

**Clint:** or hiding in a foreign country

**tonyfuckingstark:** I know

**Clint:** you motherfucker

**tonyfuckingstark:** Anyways, to make a story as short as the secretary of state’s penis, Thor is staying at the compound and is currently attempting to navigate an iPhone so let’s see how long it takes for him to find this god-forsaken group chat, no pun intended

**Clint:** that was a terrible pun

**tonyfuckingstark:** Good thing it wasn’t intended

**Thor:** Hwllp

**Thor:** Tpnu tolf mw thw abengers sre crinimsls

**Clint:** i dont know what thor is on but i want some

**Thor:** Tje lwtters sre vwry snall

**tonyfuckingstark:** Dear god

**tonyfuckingstark:** No pun intended

**tonyfuckingstark:** You know what, I’m going to give Thor an iPad instead so hopefully his fingers won’t be too big for the keys anymore

**Clint:** if thor has really big fingers, then he probably has a really big penis too right?

**Natasha:** Clint!

**underoos:** hey yall

**Thor:** Hello, Underoos!

**underoos:** OHMY GOSJDHSJHSFHJJSS ITS T H O R

**underoos:** HI MR THOR

**tonyfuckingstark:** Don’t call him Underoos

**Thor:** But that is his name on the screen.

**tonyfuckingstark:** I know, just… don’t

**tonyfuckingstark:** That's my thing

**Thor:** Then what shall I call him?

**underoos:** …,,,,,,,,

**underoos:** im spider-man. you can call me spider-man if you want to

**Thor:** I will call you Spider-Man, then!

**underoos:** THANKS MR THOR

**Thor:** You’re welcome, Man of Spider!

**Clint:** sjfhskfjs

**Natasha:** Could be worse.

**Clint:** i wouldnt call him a man hes like twelve

**underoos:** AM NOT

**Thor:** Then I shall call you young Spider-Man.

**Clint:** spiderling

**Sam:** Arachnikid

**underoos:** STOP

**tonyfuckingstark:** And where have you been Sam?

**Sam:** Living my life, instead of wasting it away on a group chat like you fuckers

**tonyfuckingstark:** Yeesh, who pissed in your cereal?

**Sam:** No one, but someone pissed on my day when my phone kept vibrating as if it was a sex toy

**Natasha:** Jesus.

**Clint:** you sure no one pissed in your cereal toucan sam

**underoos:** SDFGJFDSKJD

**Clint:** well thor is probably lonely as fuck with just tony there, because we all know tony is about as good company as a dead platypus. so im heading over to the compound to welcome back thor because im a good person

**Sam:** I wouldn’t go that far

**Clint:** fine. i may not be a good person but at least i USE MY FUCKING BLINKER, SAM

**Sam:** THAT WAS ONE TIME

**Sam:** And I wasn’t texting on this group chat because I was having coffee with Steve. Thank you for asking

**Natasha:** How was coffee with Steve?

**Sam:** It was good. Until Bucky showed up at the coffee shop and Steve got up, went over to Bucky, and they both left, leaving me there alone like I always am

**Natasha:** I see…

**underoos:** J E S U S

**underoos:** are you alright mr wilson

**Sam:** Don’t call me Mr. Wilson that’s the name of that cranky neighbor from Dennis the Menace

**underoos:** JSHFSKHFS

**underoos** : I THINK OF HIM EVERY TIME I SAY MR WILSON

**underoos:** THANK YOU FOR RELIEVING ME OF THOSE DEPRESSING THOUGHTS

**Clint:** uh guys,,,

**Clint:** GUYS OH FUCK NO

**Clint:** IM WALKING UP THE LANE TO THE COMPOUND AND I SEE THOR JUST FUCKING CHILLING IN THE GRASS LIVING HIS BEST LIFE AND TONY IS WALKING UP BEHIND HIM WITH A BASEBALL BAT WHAT IS HAPPENING

**Natasha:** What?

**Sam:** WTF

**Clint:** OH MY GOD TONY JUST HIT THOR IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH THE BAT REALLY FUCKING HARD AND THE BAT SPLIT INTO TWO

**Clint:** WHO KNEW THE FUCKING BASTARD HAD IT IN HIM

**Clint:** IM HIDING BEHIND A TREE TO BRING YOU THIS FRESH OUT OF THE ASS NEWS

**Sam:** OH MY GOD WHAT

**Natasha:** I’m mildly concerned about the mental wellbeing of Tony.

**Sam:** And not of how Thor is doing??????? After taking a fucking baseball bat to the head? And it splitting in TWO???

**underoos:** are you crazy sam thor is HUGE hes so amazing hes like four thousand pounds of muscle he could throw me across a football field!!!

**Sam:** What does that make me, a manlet?

**Clint:** THOR IS CHASING TONY AROUND WITH THE TWO PIECES OF THE BASEBALL BAT I AM CRYING

**Clint:** OH MY GODJFHHSFHJSJDS

**Clint:** TONY JUST. CLIMBED A TREE. I REPEAT TONY IS IN A TREE

**Natasha:** Oh, my god.

**tonyfuckingstark:** IM SORRY OKAY I THOUGHT THOR WAS STEVE

**tonyfuckingstark:** I DON’T DESERVE THIS

**Natasha:** You thought Thor was Steve? And that somehow makes your actions valid?

**Natasha:** Even if you had hit Steve instead of Thor, that wouldn’t have made it okay.

**Clint:** IM FUCKING CACKLING SKFHSHFS

**Clint:** no WAIT SHIT SHIT THOR SAW ME AND NOW HES FUCKING RUNNING AT ME I GOTTA FUCKING GO SHITSHITSHITSHIT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! One of the lines in this chapter are from one of Moonkitti's videos on Youtube, oops. Her videos are the best. Anyways, I hope you've enjoyed and I'll try to update soon!


	6. It's (Not) Platonic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony and Clint argue, Steve ditches Sam at the coffee shop, and there may be a more or less platonic relationship on the horizon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Thank you so much for the feedback on the last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** thanks for that nat

**Sam:** What did Natasha do?

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m guessing that when toilet snake over here started to be chased by Thor, Natasha got fed up with their bullshit and calmed Thor down

**Clint:** OUR BULLSHIT??????????

**Clint:** you wanna fucking GO???

**Clint:** YOURE THE ONE WHO BASHED THOR WITH A BASEBALL BAT

**Clint:** AND STOP CALLING ME TOILET SNAKE

_**tonyfuckingstark** has changed **Clint** ’s name to **ToiletSnake**_

**ToiletSnake:** AAAAAGHAGSHADGHAA

**tonyfuckingstark:** HAHAHAHA

**ToiletSnake:** CHANGE IT BACK

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**ToiletSnake:** yes

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**ToiletSnake:** yes

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**ToiletSnake:** yes

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**Natasha:** Will you two shut up?

**Sam:** Where are y’all anyways

**Natasha:** Tony, Thor, Clint, and I are all at the compound.

**underoos:** im…… at home

**Sam:** I’m still at the coffee shop.

**underoos:** sjfhsjfshs

**Sam:** People are starting to look at me weird.

**Natasha:** Probably because you’ve been sitting there for the past three hours.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Sam come to the compound you’re probably starting to look like a child abductor

**Sam:** Alright

**Steve:** I’m with Bucky.

**ToiletSnake:** …in bed

**underoos:** ohhhhhmygod

**Steve:** You’re not in a position to insult others, are you toilet snake?

**ToiletSnake:** RUDE

**ToiletSnake:** hey kid can you change my name please

**underoos:** uhhh sure

**ToiletSnake:** WAIT change it to Stormaggedon, Dark Lord of All

**underoos:** yeah thats not happening

_**underoos** has changed **ToiletSnake** ’s name to **Clint**_

**Clint:** fucking damn it

**Steve:** Language

**Clint:** gee dang it

**Clint:** just kidding FOR FUCKS FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCKS SAKES FUCK YALL

**Natasha:** That was… explicit.

**Steve:** I give up.

**Thor:** It was very funny to watch Sir Clint message that, his face scrunched up like he was constipated

**underoos:** SJSHFJSHFJKS

**Sam:** I’m here bitches

**Clint:** i dont see you

**Sam:** I know I’m coming up now

**Clint:** alrighty

**Clint:** so steve tell us of your little date with Bucky

**Clint:** it better have been good if you left Sam all by his lonesome and making him look like he was about to eat a child

**Steve:** I’m sorry Sam, that was rude of me.

**Sam:** WTF MY ID CARD DOESN’T WORK

**Sam:** TONY WHAT IS THIS FUCKERY

**tonyfuckingstark:** Oh yeah, sorry about that. Well, I’m not sorry but that’s not the point. When you and half of the avengers went rogue like some rabid snakes I disabled all of your ID Cards.

**Sam:** Let me up you salty bastard

**tonyfuckingstark:** Fine.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Try your card again

**Sam:** It works wtf

**Sam:** Stark when I get there I’m going to beat your ass

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’d like to see you try

**Clint:** well while sam and tony are fighting over who has the bigger penis, steve how was your coffee date with bucky

**Steve:** i brought bucky to my place and we talked about a lot of things. To make a long story short he’s staying at my apartment.

**Clint:** if yknow what i mean HAHAHAHA

**Steve:** SHUT UP TOILETSNAKE

**Clint:** i am so disrespected in this household

**Natasha:** You don’t even live here.

**Clint:** well. hey tony uMMMMMMMMM

**tonyfuckingstark:** I told you last time Clint if you clogged the toilet again it’s not my fucking problem

**Sam:** SJFJSJFHSDS

**Clint:** NO i was wondering if i could spend the night since its already getting late n shit and i just dont want to leave

**Natasha:** Well, I’m going to leave. I’ll see you at home Clint.

**Clint:** seeya

**Sam:** Wait y’all live together?

**Natasha:** Is there a problem?

**Sam:** No. I just didn’t know

**Natasha:** Yeah, okay.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Sure Clint you can stay. And goodbye Natasha. I’m sure you and Clint will have LOTS of fun when he gets back

**Natasha:** Don’t make me kill you.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Yes ma’am

**Clint:** i dont get what the big deal is apparently steve and bucky are living together now

**Steve:** PLATONICALLY

**Clint:** “platonically”

**Steve:** It’s platonic!

**Clint:** ItS pLaToNiC

**Steve:** UGH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I don't think it was as funny as the last ones, but I have something in store for the next couple chapters, so hopefully those will make up for it. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and I'll try to update soon!


	7. Peter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint stumbles upon something he was not supposed to, and Bucky joins the chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I'm so sorry for not posting these past two days. But I'm back now. As always, thank you for the comments on the last chapter, I appreciate it so much. Also, for the sake of this story being light hearted, all the stuff between Tony and Bucky is taken care of and there's no hard feelings. If only it could be this way in canon. Well. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** uh, tony…

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s like seven in the morning what the fuck do you want

**Clint:** there is a child in the kitchen.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Shit

**Rhodey:** A child? There’s a child in the kitchen??

**Sam:** Wtf is going on

**Sam:** Is he like, a hobo?

**Clint:** i dont know,, im watching him from behind the doorway and hes just….. sitting there? with a bowl of cereal and he has papers in front of him

**tonyfuckingstark:** Oh, that’s just Peter.

**Rhodey:** That’s “just” Peter? What the fuck Stark?

**Clint:** can you please explain so that im not the equivalent of sam in the coffee shop

**Sam:** Screw you toilet snake

**Clint:** rude

**tonyfuckingstark:** You guys have been war criminals for longer than you think. And in between bailing you fuckers out of a secret federal prison and fighting weirdass robots in NYC, I picked up an intern. His name is Peter.

**Rhodey:** What the fuck.

**Clint:** i thought you said interns were a waste of time, money, and human cells

**tonyfuckingstark:** Peter is different. If you know what’s good for you, leave him be.

**Clint:** okay but that doesnt explain why “peter” is in the kitchen at seven in the morning, eating cereal, instead of in your lab sucking your ass tony

**tonyfuckingstark:** Leave him be

**tonyfuckingstark:** He’ll be leaving soon anyways. He has school

**Sam:** What the actual fuck.

**Clint:** this is fucking shady, as spider-kid would say

**Clint:** tony i hope youre telling the truth because natasha can smell fear and lies from fifty miles away

**tonyfuckingstark:** Just drop it, toilet snake

**Clint:** yeah yeah yeah

**Clint:** im going back to bed this is too fucking sketchy to be dealing with at seven in the morning

-

**Steve:** Tony, can you add Bucky to this chat, please?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Does he even have an account here?

**Steve:** Yes. I helped him make it. So that he feels more included.

**Steve:** I’ll send you his thing.

**Clint:** LMAOOO

**Clint:** are you sure you want to send tony your boyfriends thing steve?

**Steve:** Stop it, Clint, you know what I meant.

**Steve:** **https://starkmessage.com/johndoe**

**Rhodey:** What’s with the username?

**Steve:** HYDRA is probably still looking for him, so we took a precaution.

**Rhodey:** Smart.

**tonyfuckingstark:** …

_**tonyfuckingstark** has added **John** to the chat_

**Steve:** Please, for the love of gosh, just call him Bucky, not John. Yes, I’m metaphorically looking at you, Clint.

**Clint:** FoR tHe LoVe Of GoSh

**underoos:** hi mr bucky sir!!!

**Rhodey:** Oh god, not this guy again.

**underoos:** its britney bitch

**Clint:** WHAT THE FUCK LMAO

**Steve:** LANGUAGE

**Rhodey:** I’m not going to ask, because I don’t want to know.

**John:** Hello.

**Rhodey:** Jesus…

**John:** What?

**Rhodey:** Nothing. That was just kind of ominous.

**John:** Oh, sorry.

**underoos:** wait here let me change your name mr bucky

_**underoos** has changed **John** ’s name to **buckyhampalace**_

**Clint:** OH MY GOD SHFJSKFHSJFS

**Rhodey:** I… don’t even have the words.

**Clint:** THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER

**underoos:** my work here is done

**underoos:** but im still gonna stick around

**Rhodey:** That’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Oh my fucking god.

**underoos:** she fuckin dead

**tonyfuckingstark:** AGAIN!?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Anyways. Bucky, I can change your name if you want.

**buckyhampalace:** No, keep it. I like it.

**underoos:** thanks mr bucky!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I don't think it was very funny, but a lot of things happened so hopefully that makes up for it? Well, I hope you enjoyed and I'll try to update soon!


	8. Wanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint & Tony argue, and Wanda joins the chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I apologize for not posting in a few days. But, I thank you all for the feedback on the last chapters, you guys always make me smile. I'll do my best to get a new chapter out tomorrow. <3

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**tonyfuckingstark:** Why is Wanda sitting in the communal living room

**Clint:** she is?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Yeah

**tonyfuckingstark:** She’s sitting on the couch, reading a Vogue magazine and drinking something

**Clint:** what the fuck lmao

**Clint:** what is she doing there? i thought she was on a honeymoon with vision

**tonyfuckingstark:** Apparently they’re back, or at least Wanda is

**Clint:** maybe they broke up

**Sam:** Were they even together to begin with?

**Clint:** idk dude

**Clint:** theyre probably waiting for vision to become a man

**Sam:** Okayyyyyy then

**tonyfuckingstark:** So, apparently Wanda moved back in last night

**Clint:** LMAO STARK YOU DIDNT EVEN KNOW

**tonyfuckingstark:** And I guess Vision is too, according to Wanda. This is peachy

**Natasha:** Do you not want them there?

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m glad they’re here, but a little notice would have been nice so that I didn’t get heart palpitations at ten in the morning

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s great to know that they broke into the compound

**Clint:** and that youre tech can be hijacked lmao

**tonyfuckingstark:** STFU toilet snake

**Clint:** whatever you fucking strawman

**tonyfuckingstark:** Did you just call me a strawman?

**Sam:** Jesus fuck

**tonyfuckingstark:** I’m going to murder you, Clint, with my own bare hands. It shall be a long, painful death and when I’m finished no one will be able to find what will remain of your gruesome body.

**Sam:** JESUS FUCK

_**Clint** has left the chat_

**Natasha:** Tony, why don’t you add Wanda and Vision to the chat?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Because Vision doesn’t have a phone, which is ironic.

**Natasha:** Then add Wanda.

**tonyfuckingstark:** yeah yeah yeah

_**tonyfuckingstark** has added **Wanda** to the chat_

**Wanda:** Hello

**Steve:** Hi, Wanda

**buckyhampalace:** Hello

**Sam:** Hey

**Natasha:** Hello.

**underoos:** hiii

**Wanda:** Why do some people have their first names as usernames but others have other names as their usernames?

**Steve:** That was a lot of “names”

**Sam:** Because Stark is a bastard

**Wanda:** Fair enough

**Wanda:** Can I change my name?

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**Wanda:** Please?

**tonyfuckingstark:** No

**Wanda:** Can I change my name to Scarlet Bitch?

**underoos:** omg

**tonyfuckingstark:** WHAT THE FUCK NO

**Wanda:** Fine. Where is Hawkeye?

**Sam:** According to Tony, we’re never going to find Clint’s body

_**tonyfuckingstark** has changed **Wanda** ’s name to **scarletbitch**_

**Sam:** SJFHSJFHS

**scarletbitch:** Thanks :)

**underoos:** miss scarlet witch did you just use a smiley face???

**scarletbitch:** Yes

**underoos:** yeah we dont do that here sis

**Steve:** Did you just call Wanda your sister?

**underoos:** its a saying mr steve rogers

**scarletbitch:** Tony, can I ask you a question?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Sure

**scarletbitch:** Did you kill Clint?

**tonyfuckingstark:** …

_**tonyfuckingstark** has added **Clint** to the chat_

**Clint:** WHATS UP FUCKERS

**tonyfuckingstark:** DON’T CALL PEOPLE FUCKERS YOU TOILET SNAKE ITS RUDE

**underoos:** DONT BE FUCKING RUDE

**scarletbitch:** That is a popular line from the Kardashian show

**underoos:** its also a meme

**Clint:** THEN DONT CALL ME A TOILET SNAKE YOU FUCKING STRAWMAN

**tonyfuckingstark:** THEN DON’T CALL ME A STRAWMAN. DO YOU WANT ME TO PUSH YOUR FUCKING ASS OFF A CLIFF??

**Clint:** BITCH YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU SHOVE ME IM JUST GONNA GRAB YOUR FUCKING LEG AND DRAG YOU DOWN WITH ME

**Clint:** IF I DIE IM TAKING YOU WITH ME, MOTHERFUCKER

**tonyfuckingstark:** I DON’T FUCKING CARE AS LONG AS YOUR BLOOD IS ON MY HANDS I CAN DIE HAPPY

**Clint:** YOU FUCKING BITCH

**tonyfuckingstark:** SUCK MY ASS, TOILET SNAKE, SUCK MY ASS

**Clint:** EXCUSE ME?

**tonyfuckingstark:** ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF, OLD MAN???

**tonyfuckingstark:** I WOULD LIKE TO PERSONALLY INVITE YOU TO SUCK MY ASS

**Natasha:** HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND

**Sam:** SDFGHJDSHGJDS

**underoos:** OH MY GOD SDSJSJ

**Steve:** Cool your jets, Tony.

**tonyfuckingstark:** “COOL YOUR JETS” JESUS WHAT ARE YOU ROGERS, AN OLD MAN??

**tonyfuckingstark:** OH WAIT

**Sam:** CALM YOUR TITS TONY

**underoos:** IM LAUGHING SO HARD SJHSHFHSHD

**scarletbitch:** I AM SOBBING

**buckyhampalace:** Nicer words could have been exchanged

**Clint:** stfu yall we’re all going to hell anyways

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter, though it isn't my best work. It's really more of a filler chapter, although Wanda & Vision do move back in. Hopefully the next chapter will be much better. Thank you all for reading, and I'll try to update soon!


	9. An Eventful Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shocking secret is discovered, Tony has to deal with Peter's problems, and Spider-Man is terrible at keeping his identity a secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I hope you enjoy this chapter. Thank you all so much for the feedback on the last chapter. I'll try to update soon!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** and THATS the story of how i got a rattlesnake bite on my earlobe

**underoos:** wow…..

**underoos:** who knew that britney spears would be involved in that

**Sam:** Honestly that story sounded REALLY fake, but okay

**underoos:** yas sam “seems fake but okay”

**Natasha:** I can assure you that somehow, by the wonderful grace of God, this story is actually true.

**Sam:** Natasha we all know that this group chat has strayed too far from God’s light for this to be real

**Clint:** SJFHSJFHHS

**Clint:** okay but for real that story is true. and sam i think ur just jealous that nothing wild has ever happened to you

**buckyhampalace:** Actually, Sam might surprise you there.

**Steve:** You mean like the time he made out with Rihanna at that club?

**buckyhampalace:** Exactly.

**underoos:** okay first of all, what were yall doing at a club, and second of all, WHAT

**Sam:** I dragged their asses down there. Because whether your young ass believes it or not, clubs are not illegal for the rest of us

**underoos:** o

**underoos:** when WAS THIS

**Steve:** Three days ago.

**underoos:** JHGFDS

**Clint:** i thought bucky and steve were dating???

**Steve:** What? Where did you hear that from?

**Clint:** its universal knowledge my dude

**Steve:** Darn.

**Clint:** dArN

**Natasha:** Are we just going to ignore the fact that Sam made out with Rihanna?

**Sam:** Yes

**Clint:** what the fuckkkk

**tonyfuckingstark:** It's two in the morning what the actual fuck you fucking fuckers

-

**underoos:** OHMYHOSH MR STAKR MR STARL OHHHH YM GOFH SOMEONE JUST BROKEM INTO THE APARTNMENT MR STARK ADN OMG HE WAS LOOKING AROUND IN THE DRAWERS AND I PUT ON THE SUIT AND BEAT HIM UP AND WEBBED HIM AND AUNT MAY DIDNT EVENN WAKE UP OHNHHMM Y GOSH MR STARK WHA DO I DO??!??

**Clint:** “aunt may” probably didnt wake up because its three AM

**Steve:** Wrong chat, son.

**tonyfuckingstark:** First of all, don’t call him “son” Steve. Second of all, what the fuck?

**Underoos:** I DONT KNOW MR STAKR,. CAN YOU HELP

**tonyfuckingstark:** Yeah I’m coming, hold on a few minutes. And this JUST happened?

**underoos:** well no i mean the first thing i did was call ned, , but he was half asleep and i dont think he realized what was going on because he told me to go to sleep because we have a history test tomorrow and he hung up.,,,, so i called ned again and he told me to call the police but i really dont wanna wake aunt may up because shes gonna ask a lot of questions

**tonyfuckingstark:** WRONG CHAT KID

**underoos:** FUCK SORRY

**Steve:** LANGUAGE

_**tonyfuckingstark** has deleted all messages from the last **sixty minutes**_

-

**Clint:** if one person in this chat could lift thor’s hammer, who would it be???

**underoos:** probably mr bucky. he has his metal arm and it looks SUPER strong

**Clint:** thats true

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s… 3:37 AM. The person who tried to snatch your silverware is arrested. Why are you still awake.

**underoos:** well. remember how i said earlier that on the phone,.,,, someone,.,,,,,,,,,, told me that there’s a history test tomorrow? i. forgot to study. so thats what im doing.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Oh, my god……

**tonyfuckingstark:** I am going to kill you.

**underoos:** please do

**tonyfuckingstark:** What?

**Clint:** LMAOOOOOOOO

**underoos:** DO IT

**underoos:** HIGH SCHOOL HAS TAKEN MORE FROM ME THEN YOU EVER WILL

**Clint:** OH MY GODSKSJFJFFNNS

**Clint:** ARE YOU OKAY?,???,?,,,???

**Clint:** WAIT YOURE IN HIGHSCHOOL????? T O N Y

**Clint:** WHO EVEN ARE YOU WHAT THE FUCK

**tonyfuckingstark:** STOP ASKING THAT YOU EXPIRED PACKAGE OF CRACKERS

_**tonyfuckingstark** has deleted all messages from the last **sixty minutes**_

-

**underoos:** okay but there is no way Jacob is not a furry

**scarletbitch:** Are we talking about Twilight?

**underoos:** yas

**scarletbitch:** I can definitely see Jacob as a furry

**underoos:** IKR LIKE WOW

**underoos:** but like, what i dont understand is why was there a love triangle when edward bella and jacob could have had a polyamorous relationship. Then they both could have had bella. and dont even fucking @ me because yall gotta be fucking silly if you think there's nothing going on between edward and jacob.

**scarletbitch:** Because Edward and Jacob hate each other.

**underoos:** i hear hate sex is the best though

**tonyfuckingstark:** It’s 3:45 AM. Why, are you still awake.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Didn’t you have a history test to study for? Or is that down the drain along with your future?

**underoos:** mr stark, i went through the five stages of grief for my history mark in three minutes. i have come to face the unfortunate truth, that there is no possible way i can save my history mark. it is too late. my life will burn and i have come to terms with that.

**tonyfuckingstark:** Oh my god, then GO TO SLEEP!

**underoos:** i havent slept in thirty six hours i dont NEED sleep

**tonyfuckingstark:** Don't make me call you-know-who

**underoos:** voldemort????

**tonyfuckingstark:** GET YOUR ARACHNID ASS INTO BED BEFORE I CALL AUNT MAY

**underoos:** OKAY

_**tonyfuckingstark** has deleted all messages from the last **sixty minutes**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. A lot happened. I have so much planned for this story! I'll try to update as soon as possible!


	10. From California to Monticello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony, Clint, and Natasha are away doing their own shenanigans, so the rest of the Avengers decide to have some fun at the compound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Thank you so much for the feedback from last chapter. It means so much to me. And thank you for all the fantastic ideas and requests you've all been leaving me, I'm making sure to incorporate them into the story somehow! This chapter has three parts, with this being the first and a major event in the third part. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** okay so if someone from this group chat finally lost their shit and killed someone, who would it be

**Rhodey:** Tony.

**Clint:** true lmao

**tonyfuckingstark:** That’s rude

**tonyfuckingstark:** But also correct

**Clint:** skdjfhjs

**Clint:** but who would tony have killed???

**tonyfuckingstark:** You, toilet snake

**Clint:** RUDE

**Rhodey:** He’d probably kill all of us except Spider-Man

**Clint:** okay that’s true

**underoos:** mr stark loves me :’)

**tonyfuckingstark:** Kid, if you value your existence you will do me the magnificent favour of shutting up

**underoos:** what makes you think i value my existence

**Clint:** SHFJDSHJGKFD MEEEEE

**tonyfuckingstark:** YOU CANT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT

**tonyfuckingstark:** IM NOT EVEN AT THE COMPOUND SO WHEN MY HEART INEVITABLY FAILS ME I CANNOT BE RESURRECTED BY SATAN HIMSELF

**Clint:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Clint:** WANDA WHAT KIND OF SATANIC SHIT IS GOING DOWN OVER THERE

**tonyfuckingstark:** HAVENT YOU HEARD, CLINT?

**tonyfuckingstark:** THE COMPOUND IS THE GATE TO HELL

**Clint:** BITCH BYE

**scarletbitch:** IM CRYING

**underoos:** mr stark where are you?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Hell

**underoos:** me in about 85 years

**underoos:** but really where u at?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Some dumbass fundraiser event in California, fuck my life

**underoos:** o

**Steve:** Shouldn’t you be circulating? Since you’re probably the main source of the fundraised money?

**tonyfuckingstark:** Bitch what am I, a cancer cell? I don’t circulate

**Steve:** That was a crude analogy.

**Clint:** almost as crude as you n bucky in bed amirite lmao

**Steve:** NO!

**Steve:** BUCKY AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS!

**Clint:** BITCH STOP WE ALL KNOW HIS DICK WAS INSIDE YOU LAST NIGHT

**Steve:** LEAVE ME ALONE

**tonyfuckingstark:** WOW WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IM A CANCER CELL LOOK AT ME CIRCULATE AND NOT COME BACK INTO THIS CHAT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT

**Clint:** bye tony you cancerous piece of shit

**underoos:** OMG THATS SO MEAN

**Steve:** You need to STOP.

**Clint:** make me old man

**underoos:** omg

**scarletbitch:** Do you guys want to come crash the compound since Tony is gone? ;)

**underoos:** on my way lmao

**Clint:** dude?,, im in monticello w nat on a shield mission

**scarletbitch:** Clearly, Natasha is the only one actually doing the mission

**underoos:** DAMN

**Sam:** Y’all are still sucking SHIELD’s ass? Wow

**underoos:** I CANT ANYMORE

**Sam:** But I’m coming to the compound

**Rhodey:** So am I

**Steve:** I’m coming, and I’m bringing Bucky

**Clint:** are yall actually gonna fuck on tonys nice white couch? nasty

**buckyhampalace:** OH FUCK YOU CLINT WE ALL KNOW WHAT YOU AND NATASHA ARE REALLY DOING IN MONTICELLO

**buckyhampalace:** YOUR SEX YELLS ARE SO LOUD WE CAN STILL HEAR THEM FROM NYC

**scarletbitch:** THE TEA IS SCALDING

**underoos:** IM CRYINGGGGGG

**Sam:** I’m here, buzz me up

**scarletbitch:** Wtf how did you get here so fast?

**Sam:** I flew motherfucker

**Clint:** sam you dumb fuck now civilians are gonna think shit went down and the falcon had to kill a bitch

**Sam:** I don’t care

**underoos:** I’m here too

**Sam:** BITCH THE FUCK YOUR ARACHNID ASS JUST LANDED RIGHT NEXT TO ME??? AND YOU’RE WEARING YOUR SUIT WHO EVEN ARE YOU

**underoos:** IM NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING

**Sam:** FUCK YOU, YOU NASTY LITTLE SPIDER

**Sam:** BUZZ BUZZ BITCH WANDA BUZZ US THE FUCK UP

**scarletbitch:** This isn’t a run-down apartment in Queens or something, come up here yourself. Everyone knows who you two are

**underoos:** OUCH WHAT THE HECK THAT WAS RUDE

**scarletbitch:** What?

**underoos:** nvm

**Clint:** fuck it i'm coming too it's not like natasha needs me up here anyways. see y'all soon

**scarletbitch:** omg

**Sam:** We’re in the living room Wanda and we’re ready to fuck shit up

**scarletbitch:** Yas coming

**Clint:** bucky @ steve last night

**Steve:** STOP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter. And I hope you're ready for the next two parts! I'll try to update soon!


	11. Floored

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is gone for a business trip, and the Avengers can't keep things together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! I want to start by saying that I am so, so incredibly sorry for not updating in such a long time. I remember that I wanted to update this story a few days after my last post, but then I went back to school and that couldn't happen. I've been so busy these past couple of weeks, I've hardly had time to myself. But I've thought about this story so much. I want you all to know that I am never giving up on this story. Even if I may be gone for weeks, I will always come back. I'll do my very best to update as soon as possible, but until then, here's an extra long chapter for you all. I hope you enjoy part two of three <3

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**Clint:** i'm here hoes

**scarletbitch:** WTF YOU JUST FELL OUT FROM THE VENT

**Steve:** Bucky and I are here

**Clint:** well, if it isnt the avengers power couple

**Steve:** STOP!

**Steve:** WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!

**Clint:** you cant expect any of us to believe that stevie

**Steve:** Well, believe it or not, it’s the truth.

**buckyhampalace:** Yeah and besides, Steve is dating Sharon what’s-her-face

**Sam:** …

**Clint:** YIKES! YIKES! YIKES!

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers Minus Bucky**_

**Steve:** Why does Bucky not know?

**Sam:** It was your breakup, which means it was YOUR responsibility to let him know

**Clint:** what sam’s trying to say is that it’s your FAULT

**Steve:** PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT THIS.

**Clint:** why didnt you tell him anyways

**Steve:** I thought I did, but I think I… forgot.

**Clint:** sure, you “forgot” to tell your best friend, who you have a crush on, you gay fucker, that you got a BONER when Sharon showed you an old pic of your gay pal bucky?????

**underoos:** WHAT OMG

**Rhodey:** Someone explain, please.

**Sam:** Uh, should Spiderdude be here for this? He’s like, twelve

**underoos:** im sure that ive heard worse than whatever mr captain america is about to tell us. fanfiction is a thing y’know

**Clint:** wtf???

**Natasha:** Steve, I need an explanation.

**underoos:** yeah spill the tea sis

**Steve:** Sharon quit SHIELD a while ago and I was helping her clean out her office. We were going through a drawer and she opened a folder and found a photo of Bucky from before the war.

**Clint:** and then he got a BONER

**Steve:** And then Sharon broke up with me.

**Rhodey:** HAHAHA OH MY GOD LMAO

**Clint:** like I said, YIKES

**underoos:** omg rip mr steve rogers

**Clint:** she can do better tbh

**underoos:** no tea no shade just facts

**Clint:** i dunno what that means but yes

**Natasha:** Wow.

**Natasha:** And you never told Bucky this because you thought he’d be weirded out?

**Steve:** I KNOW he’ll be weirded out if I do tell him.

**Natasha:** Steve, you have no idea how painful it is to watch Bucky endlessly covet you and you being completely oblivious to his clear undying love for you.

**Clint:** that was poetic on a depressing level

**Steve:** Well I’m not telling him today. We’re taking the elevator, we’ll be up in a minute.

**Clint:** try not to be nasty in the elevator, i heard tony got the elevators cleaned out only a few days ago

**Steve:** NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE ELEVATOR.

**Clint:** sure. wash your hands after you give good ol’ buck a good ol’ handjob, i dont know where his dick has been

**Steve:** Oh my god.

**Clint:** what, can i not ask you to just be sanitary about your gay sexual behaviors????

**Steve:** LORD HAVE MERCY

**Clint:** hold on yall lets text on the main chat

**underoos:** kk

**Sam:** Did that asshole just say kk?

_You have entered the chat: **The Avengers**_

**underoos:** hey um wanda where’s mr thor???

**scarletbitch:** He comes and goes. Although I haven’t seen him since last week.

**Sam:** Thor couldn’t take our shit anymore so he got up and left

**Natasha:** Why am I not surprised?

**Sam:** MEAN

**Clint:** it’s true lmao

**Clint:** we’re a fucking mess. the only one worth anything here is natasha

**Sam:** Okay not gonna argue with that

**underoos:** hey what about me???????

**Clint:** you’re a kid. everyone knows kids aren’t worth anything

**underoos:** THAT’S SO RUDE

**Steve:** Clint, that’s no way to talk to a kid.

**Clint:** well then good thing i dont have kids

**Sam:** I see Steve and Bucky

**Clint:** welcome, old people

**underoos:** dfjhsdfhfh

**buckyhampalace:** So I heard we were going to fuck shit up?

**Steve:** Buck, not in front of the kid.

**underoos:** ive seen worse

**Natasha:** That’s disconcerting.

**underoos:** but if we really are gonna screw some stuff up, then i have access to mr stark’s lab

**Rhodey:** Absolutely not.

**underoos:** what??? why not???

**Rhodey:** Because it’s completely irresponsible. Tony gave the two of us permission to his lab because he trusts us the most, and it’s a terrible thing to break someone’s trust. I will not hesitate to revoke your access and inform Tony of your scheming.

**underoos:** if u do that, i’ll tell mr stark that you were the one who broke his coffee machine

**Rhodey:** You wouldn’t.

**underoos:** i saw you break it. i didnt tattle to mr stark because im a good person with a pure heart and a forgiving soul. but you owe me this. and i will tell him if you dont let me.

**Rhodey:** Fine.

**Clint:** WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT

**Sam:** WHAT THE HELL SPIDERMAN

**Sam:** I CANNOT BE THE ONLY ONE CREEPED OUT AT HIS CASUAL BLACKMAIL WHAT THE FUCK

**Clint:** YOU ARE A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PERSON SPIDERBOY

**underoos:** :)

**Clint:** SDJFHDFJHF

**underoos:** anyways. it’s not like we’re gonna break anything. everything will be back where it belongs before mr stark gets back

**Rhodey:** Okay….

-

**underoos:** im back y’all

**Sam:** WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU HOLDING

**Sam:** ITS LIKE THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF YOU

**Clint:** did you mean: steve’s penis

**Sam:** WHAT THE FUCK MAN

**underoos:** i don’t know what it is, but it looks really cool

**Sam:** So let me get this straight. You have no idea what that things is, it could be a death ray for all you know, and you bring it into the living room?

**underoos:** yes

**Sam:** What the fuck.

**underoos:** well it doesn’t look dangerous!!!

**Clint:** BITCH IT LOOKS LIKE ITS ABOUT TO EAT YOU

**underoos:** it’s not alive, it can’t hurt me unless i make it!

**Sam:** Fuck man don’t press that fucking button

**Clint:** FUCK

**Rhodey:** SPIDERMAN YOU FUCKING SHIT

**Steve:** OH MY GOD

**buckyhampalace:** Holy shit…

**Natasha:** What? What happened?

**Clint:** SPIDERMAN PRESSED A BUTTON AND THE FUCKING DEATH RAY BURNED A HOLE IN THE FLOOR FUCK

**Natasha:** WHAT?

**Natasha:** Do you need me to come down there?

**Clint:** NONONO ITS FINE DONT WORRY

**Natasha:** IT DOESN’T SOUND FINE. IT SOUNDS LIKE THERE’S A HOLE IN THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!

**Sam:** AND IT SOUNDS LIKE TONY IS GOING TO KILL US

**underoos:** IM SO SORRY GUYS

**Clint:** WANDA CANT YOU FIX IT WITH YOUR POWERS???

**scarletbitch:** I AM AN AVENGER NOT A CARPENTER YOU UGLY MAN

**Clint:** WE ARE SO FUCKED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed, and I'll hopefully see you all soon!


	12. The Carpenter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers scramble to find someone to fix the floor before Tony returns. Some can't handle the pressure. An unlikely guest saves them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all. I don't really have a reason for disappearing for seven months, other than school. I'm really sorry about that, but like I promised, I'm never giving up on this story. I'm going to do my best to update sooner rather than later. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, part 3/3.

**Clint:** oh shit oh shit oh shit

 **Clint:** what the fuck do we do now???

 **Sam:** Maybe we stop texting each other and just TALK since that we’re all RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER

 **Clint:** no way man this texting thing is the only thing preserving my sanity

 **buckyhampalace:** That was a pretty big word for your mouth there Clint

 **Clint:** SHUTUP

 **Natasha:** There’s no way you idiots can handle this. I’m tapping out of the mission and coming back. Fury can send Hill in.

 **Clint:** nO you definitely don’t need to come back nat

 **Natasha:** Too bad, someone has to discipline you morons.

 **Clint:** oh fuck shes gonna kill us

 **Rhodey:** Yeah, unless Tony beats her to it.

 **underoos:** haha u guys r so screwed

 **Clint:** bitch…

 **Sam:** What the hell man? You’re the one blasted the hole in the floor in the first place. If anyone here is screwed, it’s you.

 **underoos:** that’s where ur wrong mr rhodes. mr stark loves me so im safe. hes gonna kill u guys for letting me in his lab

 **Clint:** the kid played us dirty

 **Sam:** what the fuck.

 **Rhodey:** That doesn’t matter now. We need to find a way to fix this damn floor.

 **Clint:** i can call a floor guy?

 **buckyhampalace:** What the hell is a floor guy?

 **scarletbitch:** Do you mean a carpenter?

 **Clint:** yeah whatever

 **underoos:** earth’s mightiest heroes, everyone

 **Clint:** FUCK YOU YOU UGLY SPIDER IF IT WERENT FOR YOU TONY WOULDN’T BE FUCKING EATING OUR DICKS FOR BREAKFAST

 **Natasha:** That sounds much more sexual than you meant.

 **Clint:** OH FUCK NO

 **Clint:** NO

 **buckyhampalace:** I DID NOT NEED THAT MENTAL IMAGE.

 **underoos:** EWWWWWW

 **underoos:** CLINT IM A MINOR THAT’S ILLEGAL

 **Clint:** I DON’T THINK YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TELL US THAT

 **underoos:** WELL YOU GUYS KNEW IT ANYWAY

 **Sam:** WILL YOU BITCHES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CALL A FUCKING CARPENTER ALREADY?

 **scarletbitch:** wait do not call a carpenter. civilians will find it very suspicious that a normal man is walking into the avengers compound. Besides will a carpenter really come at this unholy hour?

 **Clint:** that’s usually when people climax, so

 **buckyhampalace:** That’s disgusting.

 **Sam:** Well then what the fuck do you want us to do?

 **scarletbitch:** how am I supposed to know I am not the one who blasted the hole in the floor!

 **underoos:** IM SORRY

 **Clint:** wanda if you just USED YOUR FUCKING POWERS then this shit could have been fixed by now

 **scarletbitch:** I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FIX A FLOOR. I HAVE A DEGREE IN ART HISTORY NOT CARPENTRY

 **Clint:** WHAT THE FUCK WHY ART HISTORY THAT’S THE WORST KIND OF HISTORY

 **Sam:** WHAT THE FUCK WHY WOULD YOU WANT A DEGREE IN THAT

 **scarletbitch:** LEAVE ME ALONE YOU UGLY OSTRICHES

 **buckyhampalace:** I have to admit it’s really funny to watch you guys stand in a circle, completely silent while typing furiously on your phones while the kid hyperventilates about the hole he busted in his dad’s floor

 **underoos:** UM

 **Sam:** HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHA

 **underoos:** MR STARK ISNT MY DAD MR BUCKY WINTER BARNES SIR

 **buckyhampalace:** He’s not?

 **Sam:** NOPE

 **Clint:** its fine dude we all thought it at one point

 **underoos:** YOU DID?

 **Clint:** yeah lmao

 **buckyhampalace:** Sorry kid

 **underoos:** its ok mr bucky sir

 **buckyhampalace:** Just call me Bucky

 **underoos:** ok sir

 **Clint:** HA

 **Natasha:** If you idiots are done discussing who Tony stuck his dick in, maybe get back to solving the problem about THE GAPING HOLE IN THE FLOOR

 **Clint:** YES MA’AM

 **Steve:** Thor is here.

 **underoos:** maybe mr thor can fix the floor!

 **Sam:** Right, because the god of thunder has a college degree in general carpentry

 **Steve:** He brought a guest.

 **Sam:** Well the guest better be a fucking carpenter or else I’m fucking pushing them down this hole

 **buckyhampalace:** I mean, wouldn’t an engineer be more useful here?

 **Sam:** Since when are you an expert on floors, asshole

 **buckyhampalace:** I hate you

 **underoos:** OMG I SEE MR THOR

 **Rhodey:** is that fucking loki with him?

 **buckyhampalace:** Who the hell is Loki?

 **Steve:** Thor’s brother. We fought him a few years ago when he attacked New York City.

 **buckyhampalace:** What the fuck

 **Clint:** my thoughts every day

 **Rhodey:** Why is Loki with him?

 **Clint:** someone get this bitch a phone so that he can text us

 **Thor:** Hello everyone.

 **Rhodey:** …

 **Natasha:** Everyone say “Hi Thor”.

 **Rhodey:** Hi Thor.

**Sam:** Hi Thor 

**Clint:** hi thor 

**underoos:** OMG HI MR THOR SIJFHIFHDFJSHGERHB 

**buckyhampalace:** Hi Thor. 

**Steve:** Hi Thor. 

**Thor:** I have brought my dear brother with me. 

**Clint:** ew why 

**Rhodey:** Here, let me get Loki a phone so he can speak for himself. 

**Thor:** Why do we not just all talk? We are all in the same room. 

**Clint:** because it’s the twenty first century bitch 

**Thor:** Fair enough. 

**Loki:** Hello. 

**Sam:** does anyone else smell some shit in here?

**Natasha:** Be nice. 

**Loki:** I am not here to harm you. I swear on my right to the throne. 

**Clint:** but ur not getting the throne. thor is gonna be king 

**Thor:** I am king now, Hawkeye. 

**Loki:** Until I kill him. 

**Sam:** See, this is why no one fucking trusts you 

**Loki:** Relax, you naïve fools. I am not going to hurt any of you. Thor and I need a place to stay for a while. 

**Natasha:** I thought you said you were king, Thor? 

**Thor:** I am. But a series of unfortunate events led to Asgard being destroyed several weeks ago, and now I ask that you provide hospitality for my brother. 

**Sam:** Is that why when you got here a little while ago your hair was fucked, you were missing an eye, and you have no hammer? 

**Rhodey:** I thought we agreed no one was going to bring that up unless Thor started talking about it first. 

**Clint:** well we’re gonna be housing his bitchass brother, i think we deserve to know what the fuck happened to turn them into hobos 

**Rhodey:** Clint, be more sensible. 

**Clint:** fuck that 

**Thor:** It’s alright War Machine. To make a long story short, our Father told us that we have an evil sister who was imprisoned, and she was coming back and was going to try to take over Asgard. Then he died, leaving us to our own devices. Then our sister returned, broke my hammer, sent us to another planet where the Hulk and our personal drunk hero was, we started a revolution and left, went back to Asgard where I lost an eye and brought upon Ragnarok which destroyed our planet and now me, Loki, and the entire population of Asgard need a place to stay. 

****

**Sam:** What the actual fuck? 

****

**Rhodey:** So that’s why when you showed up a few weeks ago, you looked like fucking trash. 

****

**Thor:** Exactly! 

****

**Clint:** so youre basically house hunting for asgard now? 

****

**Thor:** That’s one way to put it. 

****

**Clint:** yeah sorry man i don’t think assgard will fit in the compound or my apartment so 

****

**Thor:** That is quite alright Hawkeye. I’ve already found a home for Asgard. Canada is in desperate need of more people, so I’ve sent them all there. 

****

**Sam:** Wow. 

****

**Clint:** well thor my dude, youre gonna have to ask tony if u and ur edgy brother can stay here because none of us here call the shots 

****

****Thor:**** That makes sense. Where is Stark, anyway?

****

**Rhodey:** He’s not here. As you can probably tell by the gaping hole in the floor.

****

**Thor:** Ah, yes, I was wondering about that.

****

**underoos:** mr thor mr sir can u help us fix the floor???

****

**Thor:** I’m afraid I cannot, Spider Boy.

****

**Loki:** I believe I can.

****

**Clint:** bitch YOU?

****

**Loki:** Why yes, I can. I’ve spent years attempting to murder my brother, so I’ve picked up a few things on the way.

****

**underoos:** o

****

**Loki:** Now if you would be so kind as to give me a few minutes, I should be able to fix your floor.

****

**Clint:** uM

****

**Steve:** Wow.

****

**Sam:** Holy shit, he just fixed the floor.

****

**Clint:** damn, wanda this bitch is a better wizard than youll ever be]

****

**Sam:** Damn, it looks like it was never broken in the first place.

****

**scarletbitch:** shut up you ugly toilet snake

****

**Rhodey:** I never thought I’d be saying this, but thanks Loki.

****

**Loki:** You’re very welcome.

****

**Natasha:** We’ll make it sure that Loki will stay here.

****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few things:
> 
> 1\. As you can see, I fixed the strange timeline for this story. The story begins during the tail-end of Thor: Ragnarok; Thor comes by to hang out with the Avengers while also house hunting for Asgard, and now he is back, for real this time, and with Loki. Infinity War doesn't happen in the universe.
> 
> 2\. Thor will be a more consistent character now, and now we have Loki thrown into the mix!
> 
> 3\. Tony will be returning next chapter.
> 
> 4\. I'm really, really sorry that I've been gone for so long. I'm back now, I promise.
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed! <3


	13. Adult Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony returns; Natasha holds lessons for adult parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my first day of summer vacation, and what's the first thing I do? Post a new chapter.
> 
> I'm really sorry I've been gone for so long! School is over and that means I'll have a whole two months to do whatever I want, which is to write. SO you guys will be getting a lot more chapters soon, I promise!

**tonyfuckingstark:** Honeys, I’m home

 

 **Clint:** welcome back

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Alright, what happened while I was away

 

 **Clint:** WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SOMETHING HAPPENED

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Because you’re being uncharacteristically nice to me

 

 **Clint:** fuck

 

 **Sam:** DAMNIT CLINT YOU BLEW THIS FOR US

 

 **buckyhampalace:** SHUT UP SAM DO YOU HONESTLY THINK WE COULD HAVE KEPT IT TOGETHER FOR MUCH LONGER

 

 **Sam:** ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TAKING HIS SIDE?

 

 **buckyhampalace:** ANY SIDE IS BETTER THAN YOURS, BITCH BRAIN

 

 **Steve:** Guys, please…

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Will someone please just fucking tell me what happened

 

 **Natasha:** These assholes burned a hole in your living room floor, and then Thor showed up with Loki, who fixed the hole. By the way, Loki is staying with us now. No, I’m not taking constructive criticism at this time.

 

 **underoos:** was that a tumblr reference???

 

**_tonyfuckingstark_ ** _has left the chat._

 

 **scarletbitch:** rip

 

 **Clint:** LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

 **Sam:** Tony couldn’t take our shit anymore

 

 **Steve:** To be fair, he really doesn’t have to put up with us, but he does.

 

 **Clint:** that man deserves a medal

 

 **Sam:** For your bullshit alone, Clint

 

 **Clint:** well yeah

 

 **scarletbitch:** someone add him back. we should apologize

 

**_buckyhampalace_ ** _has added **tonyfuckingstark** to the chat._

 

 **buckyhampalace:** I’m sorry, Stark. I really, truly am.

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** It’s okay, Barnes. I forgive you.

 

 **Clint:** ?????????????

 

 **scarletbitch:** we clearly missed a whole thing there

 

 **Sam:** Anyways

 

 **Sam:** Tony, I’m sorry we burned a hole in your floor. It’s fixed now, though. You have Loki to thank for that.

 

 **Thor:** Stark, I ask of you to please extend your hospitality to my brother.

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** alright, alright, fine

 

 **Sam:** Wait, does Tony Stark have kindness let in his cold, shrivelled heart?

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** shut the fuck up before I take your bird costume away

 

 **underoos:** nooo thats the thing hes sensitive about

 

 **Sam:** WAIT A MINUTE YOU FUCKER IT WAS YOU WHO WROTE THAT ON THE RECIEPT

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** YOU BET YOUR ASS IT WAS

 

 **Sam:** FUCK YOU

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I’M NOT EVEN SORRY YOU UGLY FUCK

 

 **Natasha:** Could this get any more chaotic?

 

 **Loki:** Yes

 

 **Clint:** DON’T PULL ANYTHING YOU GREASY MAGICIAN

 

\--

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Alright listen up you little shits

 

 **scarletbitch:** what’s the buzz

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** What the fuck?

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Actually you know what, never mind. I clearly missed a whole thing there and I don’t have time to get into that

 

 **underoos:** we don’t have time to unpack all of that

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** I’m pretty sure that was a pop culture reference but I’m going to ignore it

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Anyways. I’m hosting a party in two weeks. Very sophisticated, a lot of important people are invited so you assholes need to be on your best behaviour or else I WILL put all of you on shock collars for the evening.

 

 **Clint:** calm your tits tony, we know how to behave at a tea party

 

 **underoos:** does that invitation extend to spider-man?

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** It ESPECIALLY extends to Spider-Man

 

 **underoos:** :’) really?

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Yes. Spider-Man has been getting a lot of bad rep so it’s important to make him look like he’s a good guy by including him in Avengers parties

 

 **underoos:** o

 

 **underoos:** wait how will i eat or drink? i’ll be in the suit

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Yeah, that’s the thing. You’re not taking off the suit, so no eating or drinking that night. If you even pull up the mask to sip your virgin apple juice then everyone will know that you’re a crisp white boy and we can’t have that

 

 **tonyfuckingstark:** Anyways, the details will be mailed to your home addresses

 

_You have entered the chat: **ADULT PARTIES**_

 

 **Natasha:** I made this group chat about the upcoming party. Tony is the only one that isn’t in here.

 

 **Clint:** sweet. i already put together a playlist of music to blast at the party. thor and i will be duetting deep throat by cupcakke

 

 **Thor:** Hawkeye says it is the song of champions.

 

 **Natasha:** Okay, see, this is why I made this group chat. You guys all need to learn how to behave at adult parties.

 

 **underoos:** um, adult parties? miss natasha i believe theyre called orgies

 

 **buckyhampalace:** I don’t need to be in this group chat. I’m great at parties. I just stand in the middle of the room and don’t say anything.

 

 **Steve:** I also don’t need to be here. I’m super appropriate at parties.

 

 **Clint:** we get it steve, you and bucky just want out so that you can go have sex

 

 **Steve:** Shut up Clint, that’s not true

 

 **Natasha:** Steve, the last time you were at a party, you yelled at one of the guests and then smashed the coffee table with your foot.

 

 **Steve:** The bastard was saying that there’s no such thing as bisexual people and that they’re just “confused”. You can’t tell me the asshole didn’t deserve it Natasha

 

 **Natasha:** He obviously deserved it Steve but maybe don’t start a bar fight in a fucking party.

 

 **scarletbitch:** go scrap outside

 

 **Natasha:** Alright, here are the rules of the upcoming party: Don’t wear shorts, don’t be late, no fighting anyone, don’t blast music, especially not deep throat. No staring at your phones, don’t kill anyone – yes I’m looking at you Loki. And everyone bring a bottle of wine. Except for Spider-Man. Bring a cheese platter or something.

 

 **Clint:** why the fuck are there so many rules???

 

 **Natasha:** Because this is how adult parties work. Everyone has to be on their best behaviour, alright? Tony deserves this.

 

 **Clint:** alright fine

 

 **scarletbitch:** okay

 

 **underoos:** what’s a cheese platter?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've all enjoyed! See you soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, well, I hope you've enjoyed this - as much as you can enjoy something like this. I'll try to update soon!


End file.
